Not doing so hot with my plans these days. What started off strong feels like it's almost ground to a total stop. Going to the gym was a necessity that pushed me out the door 5 days a week at 5:30 in the morning and had me invigorated beyond belief. Everything I put into my mouth, or thought about putting into it, was all carefully documented and planned. I was feeling good, started seeing the weight drop, and saw my body start changing in a positive way.
Now I can barely get up in the morning and I feel totally off-track. Not good. I write what I eat but "forget" to write down the little things I nibble on or pick off the kids' plates. I tell myself it doesn't matter if I just have the crusts the kids don't want (after all, they are off of extra fiber bread) or that I missed 2 days at the gym because I've been tutoring like crazy and haven't been to bed before 11:30pm for 4 nights in a row. The BodyBugg spends more time in a drawer than it does on my left arm. It became a part of me, barely noticing it was even there. Now when I put it on, it's so noticably there...just one more thing to remind me of how far I've fallen.
My hubby still tells me I'm looking better and he sees changes in me physically and with my overall attitude. But I had a wake-up call after seeing pictures from one of the most fun events we always go to. I LOVE our hockey team's casino night fundraiser...getting all girlied up, playing casino games, hanging with the players and coaches as if they were our best friends for the night, drinking our fannies off. I loved my dress, was quite the social butterfly, and felt like I was unstoppable at this year's gathering.
Then I saw my friend's pictures of the entire night and felt like I looked worse than I ever have, even at my heaviest at the end of my 2nd pregnancy. I felt like I was a joke, trying to be something I clearly wasn't and that all of the fun and silly interactions with the crew were just a way of everyone to be nice to the fat girl. I see the thin, well-maintained women in the pictures standing all around me and feel even worse about where I am, what I have allowed myself to do to myself and I seriously wonder if I'm ever going to be able to get control.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Good Intentions...
Eleven days ago when I got this up and running I had good intentions to make this a daily, come clean, no hiding in the dark of night shoveling food into my face, accountibility blog. Well, given the fact that this is my second post in 11 days it's pretty safe to say that that didn't happen.
Add to that the fact that Christmas was 2 days ago, we've got out-of-town family visiting and food=love, you can pretty much guess that there's been lots of shoveling(and, no, I'm not referring to snow) and not a lot of 5:30am visits to the gym. There's been lots more good intentions for that to happen but with shopping, cleaning, last minute tutoring sessions because everyone else had the good sense to take the holiday weeks off, a 4 year old to entertain because school's on break, and 3am wake-up calls to party with a 22-month old that hasn't happened much either.
Now that the holiday is over and life appears to be returning to normal, I have more good intentions to get back on track: put the fork down, set the alarm clock for 5am and actually get out of bed even when every fiber of my being (and body) is screaming to go back to sleep, not let 11 days go by without checking in.
Isn't there a saying about "all good intentions..."? Here's hoping that, this time, they'll actually stick.
Add to that the fact that Christmas was 2 days ago, we've got out-of-town family visiting and food=love, you can pretty much guess that there's been lots of shoveling(and, no, I'm not referring to snow) and not a lot of 5:30am visits to the gym. There's been lots more good intentions for that to happen but with shopping, cleaning, last minute tutoring sessions because everyone else had the good sense to take the holiday weeks off, a 4 year old to entertain because school's on break, and 3am wake-up calls to party with a 22-month old that hasn't happened much either.
Now that the holiday is over and life appears to be returning to normal, I have more good intentions to get back on track: put the fork down, set the alarm clock for 5am and actually get out of bed even when every fiber of my being (and body) is screaming to go back to sleep, not let 11 days go by without checking in.
Isn't there a saying about "all good intentions..."? Here's hoping that, this time, they'll actually stick.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Day 1...
...not of the journey but about sharing it with "the world". If I'm going to be successfully then I need to share everything - the good, the bad, and the ugly - with others. I know from my past attempts that it's not just enough for me to be accountable to myself...I need to be accountable to others or else there isn't a slippery slope for me and that's when I struggle, give into temptation, and, ultimately, fail.
At 41 I've finally come to the conclusion that I need to ditch the weight that has always - in some way, shape, or form - held me back from so many things in my life. I've gotten close to my goal once before but, like so many times before, I let all of my hard work slip away and so I sit here, literally, trying to fight the battle yet again. I'm doing all the "right" things - hitting the gym as much as possible, keeping track of what goes into my mouth, pushing myself to constantly be more active - but the accountability part is the last piece that I need to be successful.
The road will be bumpy...there will be good days, bad days, and in-between days...but a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do. It's now or never and, if sharing all the "loveliness" I'm going through will help get the motivation mojo going, then I'm all in - bring it on!
At 41 I've finally come to the conclusion that I need to ditch the weight that has always - in some way, shape, or form - held me back from so many things in my life. I've gotten close to my goal once before but, like so many times before, I let all of my hard work slip away and so I sit here, literally, trying to fight the battle yet again. I'm doing all the "right" things - hitting the gym as much as possible, keeping track of what goes into my mouth, pushing myself to constantly be more active - but the accountability part is the last piece that I need to be successful.
The road will be bumpy...there will be good days, bad days, and in-between days...but a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do. It's now or never and, if sharing all the "loveliness" I'm going through will help get the motivation mojo going, then I'm all in - bring it on!
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