Back in the Saddle Again...

Just got back from vacation with the family to the Mouse House and realize that I've got to get back on track. Exercise has been non-existent thanks to my boy's ever-changing erratic sleep patterns...no energy to drag it out of bed at 5:30 in the morning when I've been up from 2-4am (God, how did I EVER party like a fool in my youth when all I want to do now is sleep?). Was proud of the fact that I did take some walks on the beach...the mere thought of doing that in the past was enough to make me cringe. Hubby even paid me several compliments about how the crack-of-dawn workouts have definitely starting making a difference. Realize though that it's time to get SERIOUS...the exercise is great but now I have to buckle down and get everything under control. I've let the food part slide (more like avalanche) and can't remember the last time I logged anything I shoveled into my mouth...short of taping my mouth up for Lent, I'm going to start going back to the one support system that I know and I'm looking forward to starting back at WW next week...the meetings and fellowship, not the initial weighing in...forgive me father for I have SERIOUSLY sinned and allowed myself to get to the point that I swore I never would go. Giddy up, here I come!

Wake-Up Call...

Not doing so hot with my plans these days. What started off strong feels like it's almost ground to a total stop. Going to the gym was a necessity that pushed me out the door 5 days a week at 5:30 in the morning and had me invigorated beyond belief. Everything I put into my mouth, or thought about putting into it, was all carefully documented and planned. I was feeling good, started seeing the weight drop, and saw my body start changing in a positive way.

Now I can barely get up in the morning and I feel totally off-track. Not good. I write what I eat but "forget" to write down the little things I nibble on or pick off the kids' plates. I tell myself it doesn't matter if I just have the crusts the kids don't want (after all, they are off of extra fiber bread) or that I missed 2 days at the gym because I've been tutoring like crazy and haven't been to bed before 11:30pm for 4 nights in a row. The BodyBugg spends more time in a drawer than it does on my left arm. It became a part of me, barely noticing it was even there. Now when I put it on, it's so noticably there...just one more thing to remind me of how far I've fallen.

My hubby still tells me I'm looking better and he sees changes in me physically and with my overall attitude. But I had a wake-up call after seeing pictures from one of the most fun events we always go to. I LOVE our hockey team's casino night fundraiser...getting all girlied up, playing casino games, hanging with the players and coaches as if they were our best friends for the night, drinking our fannies off. I loved my dress, was quite the social butterfly, and felt like I was unstoppable at this year's gathering.

Then I saw my friend's pictures of the entire night and felt like I looked worse than I ever have, even at my heaviest at the end of my 2nd pregnancy. I felt like I was a joke, trying to be something I clearly wasn't and that all of the fun and silly interactions with the crew were just a way of everyone to be nice to the fat girl. I see the thin, well-maintained women in the pictures standing all around me and feel even worse about where I am, what I have allowed myself to do to myself and I seriously wonder if I'm ever going to be able to get control.